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Writer's pictureConnor Minix
Dec 11, 20247 min read

Healing the Past, Loving in the Present: Exploring Attachment Styles in Relationships

As humans, we each have our own, unique ways of giving and receiving love. It isn’t novel that our experiences in childhood can have major impacts on how we navigate our relationships, especially romantic relationships, in adulthood. Being aware of how our past experiences affect our different styles of love can help us to better understand ourselves better and our relationships dynamics. 


According to a publication in the NICD’s 2018 issue of Journal of Youth and Adolescence, young adults who reported growing up in homes “that were cohesive, organized, and without much conflict” were less likely to be in romantic relationships with violence or poor problem-solving” (Xia & Fosco, 2018). In other words, “poor problem-solving” in this study eluded to a home that had difficulty with finding healthy solutions to problems, had unhealthy conflict resolution styles, and were more likely to express love in less caring and compassionate ways. When someone grows up in a home where love is expressed in a safe and healthy way and conflict is also handled with respect and care, those children are not surprisingly likely to grow up and engage in adult relationships where they are able to more easily give and receive love and intimacy with others in more secure ways. They are also more likely to approach relationship issues with a more collaborative style with their partner(s), making conflict resolution more common and successful.


Conversely, we can look at something called “attachment trauma” as another indicator for why we as adults may struggle with parts of relationships, such as receiving affection or love, handling conflict in a healthy way, and feeling comfortable sharing how they feel without defenses coming up. “Attachment trauma” is defined as “a disruption in the bond between a child and their primary caregiver that can have long-lasting consequences,” impacting many into adulthood when they begin to get into more intimate relationships (Rutowski, 2018). This attachment trauma can lead to what is considered an “insecure” attachment style. There are four types of attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized (also referred to as “anxious-avoidant”), and secure (Bowlby, 1978). However, only the first three are considered “insecure” attachment styles due to the disruption that occurred with the primary caregiver when the individual was a child or infant. Of note, when we use the word “disruption,” apart from it being research language, in a more common sense, this can mean having a parent who struggled with their mental health and wasn’t consistent, nurturing, and/or connected with the child, it could also be abuse or disruption in the family caused by a multitude of things such as moving or immigrating, financial hardship, forms of racism or colonialism, and other factors that could affect the individual child, parents, and/or family or larger community around the child. Further understanding how these early disturbances impact attachment style into adulthood can begin to point us toward better understanding our own triggers, wounds, and challenges, but also our opportunities for growth and connection.


When looking at the different attachment styles, each one can often help us look back at someone’s history and development, seeing challenges that arise in relationships as adults often as come from past wounds, inadequacies, and/or hurts in their earlier life.  While a disruption in the bond between a child and their caregiver does not guarantee a development of any of these insecure attachment styles, it does make it more likely (Xia & Fosco, 2018). Someone with an anxious attachment style is likely to have a hard time completely trusting others. They can become dependent in relationships emotionally or otherwise and feel the need to receive a lot of reassurance from their partner in order to feel safe and secure. On the other hand, an avoidant attachment style is someone who is prone to keeping their distance from others and sees themselves as independent or “not needing” anyone to rely on. This style often learned from an early age that relying on, trusting, and/or needing others may not have been safe, consistent, or available to them. A disorganized style combines both of these styles and is usually seen as someone who desires closeness with someone else, but once it’s there or they’ve gotten close enough with someone, they can easily become frightened or overwhelmed and push that person away. This style is not uncommon for adults who grew up in a home where the care was inconsistent and/or experienced waves of safety mixed with abuse or neglect from the same caregiver, further confusing and impacting the ability to really trust others without some level of fear. Finally, a secure attachment style is considered our “goal standard,” which is when someone has a healthy form of attachment to their partner where they seek closeness, can handle and enjoy time apart, and is able to resolve conflict and stay connected. Each of these styles tend to be most prominent in adulthood, when we begin to have more serious romantic relationships and/or themes begin to emerge in our relationships.


Of the insecure attachment styles, we often see anxious attachment as a common concern in those seeking out therapy. These individuals often are highly empathic and “feelers” in relationships, tend to be easily overwhelmed and occupied by trying to “read” others’ mood and how connected they are with them out of fear of disconnection or worse, relationship ending, being left, or in more psychological terms, abandoned. In a romantic relationship, anxious attachment issues can present in a variety of unique ways. Some of the most common are difficulty engaging consistently in intimacy, having a pace with closeness that can often feel intense or “suffocating” to others, typically fearing distance in their closest relationships, and frequently worrying about the relationship. Those with this attachment style may feel as if they have a hard time maintaining a healthy relationship because they experienced a disruption in a pivotal relationship earlier in their life which now makes them insecure about their relationship being consistent, trustworthy, and/or stable. However, challenges arise when the relationship may actually be healthy, reliable, and their partner is receptive to their needs, yet those same fears may still manifest and/or even cause future hardship in the relationship because of the relentless fear of this eventually happening. 


It is clear that our relationships and personalities as a whole can be greatly influenced by our childhood, but it is important to note that this never defines who you are as a person. Research shows that while attachment styles often develop in early childhood, they are not fixed and should rather be viewed as a spectrum. Through self-awareness, intentional effort, and supportive relationships, adults can shift their attachment patterns toward a more secure style. Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading figure in emotionally focused therapy (EFT), emphasizes that “building a secure bond with a partner can help individuals develop emotional resilience and trust, contributing to a healthier attachment dynamic" (Johnson, 2008). Some ways to respond to anxious attachment are to become aware of your personal triggers, to be mindful of both your and your partner’s needs, and to learn more about your attachment wounds. Read more below on how to begin working on your anxious attachment style on your own and/or in conjunction with a supportive therapist or supportive person!


Here are 3 ways to begin working on your anxious attachment style: 

Working on an anxious attachment style often involves improving emotional regulation, building self-worth, and creating healthy boundaries. Here are three approachable steps to try and get started on this journey toward greater secure attachment!


  1. Increase Self-Awareness and Build Self-Soothing Skills

    • Why: Anxious attachment can lead to intense emotional responses and sometimes, fear of abandonment. Self-awareness helps you recognize and regulate these emotions.

    • How to work on this:

      1. Practice mindfulness, meditation, or any internal practice to help to become more aware of emotional triggers and your reactions

      2. Use grounding techniques (e.g., deep breathing, activities that elicit a strong sensory experience, naming objects around you, counting back from 100 by 7s) during moments of anxiety or intense reactions

      3. Keep a journal or phone note to track thoughts, feelings, and patterns of this emotional activity in relationships

  2. Enhance Your Sense of Self-Worth

    • Why: Anxiously attached individuals often seek validation or reassurance from others, which can strain relationships and/or over-extend others’ emotional boundaries.

    • How to work on this:

      1. Notice and challenge negative beliefs about yourself (e.g., “I’m unlovable”) with something that feels more helpful, fair, or slightly believable (e.g. “Others have treated me in a way that makes me feel unloveable but I deserve love”)

      2. Focus on your strengths and celebrate small achievements regularly, like when you successfully self-regulate any amount before going to your partner for support

      3. Practice affirmations or self-compassion exercises (e.g., "I am deserving of love and respect")

  3. Create and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

    • Why: Over-reliance on others for emotional security can lead to codependency and leads to a big roller coaster of emotions!

    • How to work on this:

      1. Clearly communicate your needs and feelings authentically, despite feeling fear of rejection (practice tip: start with someone close to you that you trust and tell them you're working on this and then practice with them!).

      2. Start small by saying "no" or expressing preferences in low-stakes situations.

      3. Build independence and moments of happy, joy, content, or relaxation with yourself through hobbies, trying something new, doing something solo, and/or self-care practices.

  4. Bonus Tip: Consider therapy to work through underlying fears and build secure attachment behaviors. Therapists can provide personalized guidance and support in a space that allows you to practice scary changes in relationships that are safe. If you would like some help learning about your attachment wounds and working through the emotions of having an insecure attachment style, click here to get in contact with one of our professionally trained counselors! 






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